Being Seen
I have a badass therapist. She reminds me of this occasionally, too. She is just a person. She does not have super powers, or an ability to magically keep me safe and sane. She does have some excellent training, experience, and empathy that make her a great person to help hold my stuff while I sort through it. She is also really good at calling Bull when I am spewing some mad self-hate.
I have one badass therapist. I don't need any more.
And if you have a loved one with a mental/mood disorder who is also seeking professional help, they don't need another therapist either. They don't need you to volunteer as therapist. When someone shares with you some vulnerable information like, "I am really depressed right now" or "I sometimes think about hurting myself" there are definitely some safe-guard questions to ask, and you should look them up on wikipedia. But really what a person needs to hear when they share that is "I love you. I'm here for you. You are not alone. You mean so much to me. I am so sorry you're going through that. Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me. Would you like a cup of tea? Let's go get some soup."
What they do not need is for you to freak out as if they just lost a limb and are spewing blood everywhere. "OMG ArE YoU oKaY??" is not a great response. They just told you the answer to that. They are okay, and they are also not okay, but your panic will just make them feel more crazy and alienated than they already do. I know people who respond this way have the best intentions. They are concerned for their friend or family member. This kind of response, though, demonstrates that this person doesn't have enough emotional depth to actually hold space for their loved one's experience. What people are asking when they say, "OMG ArE YoU oKaY??" is really "Can you please give me some reassurance that I don't have to worry about you? Because that's a really big inconvenience for me," and people who struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar are (in many cases) always horrified of being an inconvenience. In fact, some people attempt or contemplate suicide because they feel like a burden.
They also don't need you to say, "Why didn't you tell me this before??" This is not about you, and you are not entitled to their information. Say instead, "Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm always here for you however I can be".
The day I had my suicidal episode I called six family members. I didn't share with any of them what was going on. I said, "What are you up to today?" and listened as they told me about that new table on marketplace they were going to buy while I choked back tears and tried to sound "okay" so they wouldn't worry about me. I've been dealing with this mood disorder for a little over 4 years and I am sick of being the one in crisis mode. So I kept quiet. I went over to my mom's house with snacks, smiled and said we were just stopping by to say, "Hi," when in reality I was looking for another adult to just see me. But I wasn't letting myself be seen. When it was time for Aspen and I to go, I sobbed as we pulled out of the driveway because I hadn't let myself be seen. Thank God I cannot hide myself from my husband very easily. He had known all day I hadn't been okay and asked me to come drive out to his job site so he could give Aspen and I a hug.
I told my therapist about this. She asked if anyone knew about the level of depression and suicidal ideation I was dealing with. When my hesitation to respond told her that, no, no one really knew, she said, "You need to tell them."
"They are all so stressed. I will be fine, I don't want them to worry about me,"
Because she is a badass she said, "Too fucking bad. Not an option, Ally. Which four people are you going to tell before tomorrow? I will break confidentiality if you don't do this,"
So I did it. And my four, are a stellar four. I immediately felt less alone. I immediately felt the threat of my demons lose power.
You know what snapped me out of my episode and back to reality last Monday? That hug from my husband. Being seen. That is all it takes. Just see us.
When I shared yesterday about my episode early this week so many of you were incredibly kind and compassionate. I got a lot of "me too" responses. I got way more of those than I was expecting. I also got a lot of "I love you"s and "Thanks for sharing"s. These are all excellent responses and I am so lucky to have so many incredibly empathetic people in my circle. I am a very lucky, very well resourced person and you all remind me of that every day. Thank you for seeing me.
I have one badass therapist. I don't need any more.
And if you have a loved one with a mental/mood disorder who is also seeking professional help, they don't need another therapist either. They don't need you to volunteer as therapist. When someone shares with you some vulnerable information like, "I am really depressed right now" or "I sometimes think about hurting myself" there are definitely some safe-guard questions to ask, and you should look them up on wikipedia. But really what a person needs to hear when they share that is "I love you. I'm here for you. You are not alone. You mean so much to me. I am so sorry you're going through that. Thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me. Would you like a cup of tea? Let's go get some soup."
What they do not need is for you to freak out as if they just lost a limb and are spewing blood everywhere. "OMG ArE YoU oKaY??" is not a great response. They just told you the answer to that. They are okay, and they are also not okay, but your panic will just make them feel more crazy and alienated than they already do. I know people who respond this way have the best intentions. They are concerned for their friend or family member. This kind of response, though, demonstrates that this person doesn't have enough emotional depth to actually hold space for their loved one's experience. What people are asking when they say, "OMG ArE YoU oKaY??" is really "Can you please give me some reassurance that I don't have to worry about you? Because that's a really big inconvenience for me," and people who struggle with depression/anxiety/bipolar are (in many cases) always horrified of being an inconvenience. In fact, some people attempt or contemplate suicide because they feel like a burden.
They also don't need you to say, "Why didn't you tell me this before??" This is not about you, and you are not entitled to their information. Say instead, "Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm always here for you however I can be".
The day I had my suicidal episode I called six family members. I didn't share with any of them what was going on. I said, "What are you up to today?" and listened as they told me about that new table on marketplace they were going to buy while I choked back tears and tried to sound "okay" so they wouldn't worry about me. I've been dealing with this mood disorder for a little over 4 years and I am sick of being the one in crisis mode. So I kept quiet. I went over to my mom's house with snacks, smiled and said we were just stopping by to say, "Hi," when in reality I was looking for another adult to just see me. But I wasn't letting myself be seen. When it was time for Aspen and I to go, I sobbed as we pulled out of the driveway because I hadn't let myself be seen. Thank God I cannot hide myself from my husband very easily. He had known all day I hadn't been okay and asked me to come drive out to his job site so he could give Aspen and I a hug.
I told my therapist about this. She asked if anyone knew about the level of depression and suicidal ideation I was dealing with. When my hesitation to respond told her that, no, no one really knew, she said, "You need to tell them."
"They are all so stressed. I will be fine, I don't want them to worry about me,"
Because she is a badass she said, "Too fucking bad. Not an option, Ally. Which four people are you going to tell before tomorrow? I will break confidentiality if you don't do this,"
So I did it. And my four, are a stellar four. I immediately felt less alone. I immediately felt the threat of my demons lose power.
You know what snapped me out of my episode and back to reality last Monday? That hug from my husband. Being seen. That is all it takes. Just see us.
When I shared yesterday about my episode early this week so many of you were incredibly kind and compassionate. I got a lot of "me too" responses. I got way more of those than I was expecting. I also got a lot of "I love you"s and "Thanks for sharing"s. These are all excellent responses and I am so lucky to have so many incredibly empathetic people in my circle. I am a very lucky, very well resourced person and you all remind me of that every day. Thank you for seeing me.
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