Maybe We Shouldn't Have

Do you remember the days of My Space and high school and all those "quizzes" we would post in "Bulletins".  It was really a lot of adolescents over-sharing on a very public platform because where else would they share it.  I guess that's what this blog is too, but I digress.  One question that was almost always on those quizzes was "What is your greatest regret?" Some of us took a lot of pride in saying we had "no regrets" at the ripe old age of thirteen. Others usually said something like "losing her/him </3"

 A little later in life I can look back and say that, yes, I definitely have some regrets.  Some days I have a lot of self acceptance and I can subscribe to the philosophy that every choice we made led us to this point. If we are accepting of ourselves at this very moment, then we must also accept and appreciate all the mountains and valleys that brought us here. Some days I can see this. 

Some days though, (today, honestly) I go back and pick apart decisions.  I grieve the valleys.  I problem-solve the past.  If only I had done this instead of that. If only I talked to this person instead of that one.  If only I had been more honest.  If only I had been less honest.  If only I had been other than I was, I might now be other than I am. 

I'm gonna get really honest here and tell you there are things I regret in my sane mind (like lies told, weddings missed, harsh words said in anger, nights that went wrong, etc.) and then there are things I regret in my less healthy mind (thanks mood disorder!) like becoming a mother, and roping my husband into a lifetime with a crazy person. On my hardest days I find myself saying, "Maybe we shouldn't have". 

I get that there is a LOT to unpack there.  I am going to unpack that with my therapist, not the blogosphere, and I encourage you to do the same if you resonate with this.  I say it here because I am using it to get to a very important point that I need to drive home (for myself). Bare with me. 

What I'm leading up to is a quote I saw for the first time on the wall of a homeless shelter where I was attending an alcoholics anonymous meeting. I don't remember much from the meeting, because the entire time I was just staring at this quote on the wall:

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start right now and change the ending" -C. S. Lewis

I love this quote, because it works on sane days and less-sane days.  Weather I'm regretting an action or my existence in general, switching my focus to what is now gets me out of the mouse wheel.

Maybe we shouldn't have, but we did. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did.  Now what?  The "now what" is the most important thing right now. 

Now I am breathing. Now I wake up and show up for my family, sane or not. Now I am honest about my mental health. Now I don't lie to my family. Now we are healing. Now we go to a LOT of therapy and it is good!

The key for me, when I get stuck in the guilt and shame of the past, is the Now.  Yes, the past happened. Some I had control over, and some I didn't. But now what?*

*I don't mean to sound trite here. This is a quick fix bandaid for the spinning mind. It is not a replacement for therapy, stability, and necessary medications.